Thursday, 16 December 2010

STORIES FROM THE FLASH COMPILATION

0 comments
 MERRY CHRISTMAS
As a treat I'm highlighting several authors (myself included) who contributed to the second FLASH FICTION compilation FLASHBACK 2010.
The story telling discipline that only allows 150 words.
If you like these BUY THE BOOK, there's another 130 + stories just dying to be read.





The way to go out

As he lay in the foxhole clutching it hard against his chest Corporal Todd felt a blinding chill pierce his very being when the cry went up.

“Banzai!”

He looked to his left at his comrade. Dead, but no sign of proof to show for it. It was like he was sleeping.

He didn’t look to the right.

He already made that mistake and only saw a body, no head.

Both men he knew intimately through conversations he had but never considered either a good friend.

It would be a lonely death.

The charging Japanese were getting closer now, his last wish now as he lay shivering in fear was that the grenade he was holding would go off before he felt the oncoming bayonets.


Snake oil and dust

Arizona Slim took the penknife from his boot and pressed the blade into the bottle’s label, scratching away the legend which declared ’Doc Monroe’s Miracle Cure-All Elixir!’

Turning the bottle over in his rough hands, he continued to scratch off each of the bogus claims the travelling showman had promised:
Guaranteed to mend a broken heart! (Scratch)
Wins women with magic aphrodisiac properties!             (Scratch)
Cures your thirst for liquor! (Scratch)
Calms a fiery temper! (Scratch)
Cleans away blood stains! (Scratch).

Finally, Slim reached the bottom of the label and the elixir’s final promises.

Improves respiratory problems!
Ideal for rope burns!

He smirked and clicked the blade back into the hilt, throwing the bottle into the dust.

“Well, I hope at least the last two work out for you, Doc”.

With that, Slim turned his back on the gallows, leaving behind the swinging figure and the creak of rope on wood.

The blender
“What happened to your watch?”
“It got caught in the blender. It’s not mine anyway.”
“Whose is it?”
“My wife’s.”
“I don’t think I can fix it.”
“No, I guess you can’t. I just hoped.”
“I can do you a deal on a similar watch.”
“No point.
“Why not?”
“She’d know the difference. Besides, she can’t wear a watch now. It was on her arm when it got caught.”
“Oh. Well … she has … er … HAD two arms, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Perhaps she’d like to wear a watch on the other one.”
“S’no good.”
“Why not?”
“That one got caught in the blender too.”
“She’s a bit accident prone then.”
“You could say that.”
“Okay, I gotta ask. How the hell did she get both hands into a blender?”
“Hey, she’s not an idiot. She didn’t do them both at the same time.”

Some things change

Trevor shook the hand firmly of his friend he hadn’t seen in years.

“How the hell are ya mate?”

“Bloody Trevor Rivers, fancy bumping in to you. When did the tumble weed blow you into town?”

“Just yesterday mate, came in to catch up with the Old Man.”

“So, how is he? I must pop in and see him. I haven’t been to his place in years. I bet it’s still the same and nothing’s changed?”

“Well, you’re in for a shock then.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Says Trevor with a wry smile.

“He’s moved the microwave.”

The conjurer
The audience were enraptured. They squealed and clapped in delight at every display, every new trick.

He pulled endless coloured silks tied together from his trouser pocket. A loose piece of string stood straight in the air. A white dove emerged from under his jacket and flew into the sky. The kiddies squealed in delight.

Sally was immensely proud. She had invited her little Tristan’s school friends and rich society mums for his seventh birthday party. This was certainly a great way to announce your entry as the new family into the neighbourhood.

She had found the magician’s flyer on the supermarket noticeboard. She rang his mobile and here he was.

He collected all of the mum’s watches and jewellery and wrapped them in a cloth. He waved his magic wand over them. A large bang and flash of light drew gasps from the crowd.

And then he disappeared.

Sermon

The words were there the whole time, bubbling away behind his teeth as he held them clenched, a furious tide of vitriol that could barely be contained by that calcium-clad dam. The rest of them, they just stared in his direction, held in the suspended animation of those on tenterhooks, expressions frozen in the rictus of fear.
What was this message he was about to pronounce, and how would it change their outlook on the very nature of their own existence? He stood, knuckles white against the wood grain of his armrests, and with a final desperate heave of his ribcage, the dam broke.
GETTHEFUGOFFOFMYLAWNYOULITTLESHITS!
Running, the local kids couldn’t help but feel that Old Man McCoy had more to say.
Wisely, they decided to leave that for another time.

Ends and means

“But it’s what you wanted.”
Just like that, without irony, without malice, without joy.
“It’s yours now.”

He gestured to the red-brown sky, heavy with smoke and sunset. On the horizon, another bomb went off – anonymous at that great distance.

“But I didn’t… I wasn’t…” My eyes were continually drawn to the horizon, and that sky. “This isn’t what I meant!”

He shrugged. “Too late now. It’s yours.” He nodded towards the key hidden nestled inside my clenched fist.

“Maybe you can work out how to lock it again. Anyway…”
He started to shimmer, like a badly-tuned old TV set.

“Please…” I reached for his wrist, his lapel, something to keep him here with me. But my fingers just closed on air, and rich, red smoke. He was gone.

On the horizon, another distant explosion – and the sun sank, exhausted, beneath the skyline.

Always choose treat
Jason walked up the footpath with his usual swagger, his mates lagging a few steps behind. He leaped up the stairs in one bound.

“I’ll show you how it’s done,” he boasted as he smacked loudly on door.

“Go away,” came a muffled voice behind the door.
Jason kept banging until he heard footsteps pounding towards the door.

It swung open revealing a skinny, tired looking old man.

“What?”
“Trick or Treat?” asked Jason.

The man stood- staring at Jason for a good twenty seconds.

Then said:
“Trick.”
“Tight arse,” Jason mumbled and in one fast motion thrust out his hand which palmed an egg and slammed it into the man’s forehead.

“There,” shouted Jason and turned to run.

The man shot Jason in the back five times before he made it down the stairs.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Arty people I know and respect Part 6- Simon Sherry

3 comments
This is the continuing series of great and giving artist I have collaborated with in the past and in some cases - still working with.

Simon Sherry a local Melbourne artist whose unbridled enthusiasm and natural leadership ability has created some marvelous pieces of work as well as masterminding some serious group activities regardless of the over the chasm that is the world wide web

Simon’s distinctive style has seen him win competitions in T Shirt design as far away as ol’ London town and become a popular seller on the Red Bubble art site.

His work ranges in style from his very controlled and structured Killbot series through to him much more random and dynamic Full Deck series, with space for some more child friendly work in between.


Simon has several interviews on the net and give a great insight into his influences and favourites.

My work with Simon began with the mighty Game of Kings project which Simon instigated after gathering together some of his favourite local artists and had the vision to expand on his original idea of “just” Chess pieces to a complex and visually stunning series.


Starting with 8 artists creating the White army , myself as writer and Simon doing all of the Black army it has grown to include 22 artists joining together to create a story of an incredible battle in a celestial field between two implausible armies.
The first series was successful critically and sold a modest amount of clothing whereas the next phase will be more poster/ card/ wall art driven thus giving the artist more freedom in size, colour and theme.

Some previous interviews with Simon (including mine) that give a great look at what inspires, influences and makes this talented guy tick.



The Damian Mason Blog

Visual Crash

The Game of Kings Part 1

The Game of Kings Part 2

Monday, 29 November 2010

Gap Band "Disrespect"

0 comments
Another cartoon video by a real band, I like this because they give Prince a serve because of past discretions between band members and the "purple one"
Has a "Fat Albert" feel about it.


Monday, 22 November 2010

Micky Mouse - virtual band pioneer.

0 comments
Micky Mouse was he leader of the world's first virtual band?


Monday, 15 November 2010

More Virtual bands the world forgot

0 comments
Vbirds was a virtual girl band created by Cartoon Network UK in 2002 and aired a 6 minute episode (as well as a dance show, called VBirds; Perfect) that was going to be picked up as a series, but was cancelled. The band's only single Virtuality was a hit in early 2003, but the band disappeared. There are no further plans to revive it as of now.

For anyone interested the members were:

Boom:She is perhaps the most witty and energetic member of the group, although she can also be very bad tempered at the worst of times. Boom is able to create pulsating balls of colour that can be thrown around, by blowing a kiss into her hand. This gives her a knack for decoration.
Wow:The oldest out of all the VBirds, as well as the most mature. Her powers give her a calming influence on those around her, including people and animals, allowing her to keep most arguments under control.
Bling:She is the most fashionable one of the girls, and can easily show it by using her powers to create new costumes for the group in an instant. Although this ability comes in handy for the group during performances, she prefers to use it in her free time to annoy the other girls.
D:Lin:She is the youngest in the group, and with green skin she stands out more than the other VBirds. D:Lin love nothing more than DJ'ing whenever the group is not performing, and she is also able to use records as throwing weapons whenever the occasion calls for it.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Paleofuture

3 comments
Anyone who is a regular visitor will have noticed I have a link to Paleofuture.
It's wonderful site . Matt Novak does a wonderful job digging up all kinds of ancient future predicting gems.
This is his new video magazine.
Very entertaining and I suggest you subscribe.

Friday, 29 October 2010

My new Twilight merchandise.

0 comments

Twilight.
A series of books embraced by teenagers (predominantly female) and women everywhere. This series was immensely popular – still is – it was almost as if something needed to fill the massive hole left after the Harry Potter series wound up.
Now I’m not against popular authors, some of my favourites are Crichton, King and Grisham and anything that gets the kiddies reading is always a good thing as far as I’m concerned.
But, (there’s always the but) the mania that follows these publications when a movie gets made almost makes you want to leave the country.
Especially when the house one lives in is also inhabited by females, the majority being teenagers.
It becomes a Circus.
Twilight if you have been living on Mars for last couple of years is the story of a young lass who falls in love with a Vampire, who can tolerate sunlight and sparkle. Somehow she gets into a love triangle with the Vampire and a Werewolf and…. Forget ..just read the books.
Boronia Library has heaps of copies.
Recently the third installment of the Twilight series “Eclipse” was released and there was the usual hysteria. The local cinema the Metro had to show special presentations running at Midnight  with a double feature of the two previous films in the series shown before the big event .
I don’t know why because most of the fans buy the DVD’s as soon as they are released and have watched them a million times.
In some states in the United States fans camped outside cinemas for days before hand  so much was the anticipation, I’m not sure if it was as bad here.
Now this brings me around to the main point of this article.
Films made from books and the actors that play the parts.

When an incredibly popular book series like the Twilight series is made into a movie, it’s usually because it’s sold a gazillion copies and the movie studios of course capitalize.
It always amazes me that when the movies are released (and they do this with the Harry Potter films) why do they advertise as if the film holds secrets that no one will have a snow balls chance in hell of guessing unless they see the movie? I’m pretty sure most of the females in Australia and possibly the Western world know who Bella ends up hooking up with.
Recently the star from the movie, Kristen Stewart who plays female lead Bella came to these shores recently for promotion purposes, scamping behind her was her co star Taylor Lautner who has been gaining bigger parts with each movie.
Robert Patterson who plays the male lead Edward couldn’t make it because he needed more sparkles or something.
Anyway put any of these three in front of the fans and they go berserk.
Hysteria not unlike Beatlemaia breaks out and any sense of reality goes with it.
I suppose every teenage boy would look at Robert Patterson and then the girl he has crush on and going dribbling silly over this pasty , stone faced bag of skin and bones and wonder what they have to do to get noticed.
I can empathize, when I was a lot younger a girl I liked had an unnatural crush on the drummer from the Bay City Rollers, something I couldn’t fathom and couldn’t compete even though he was married lived in another hemisphere and was as ugly as anything.
I recently went back on the internet to confirm this and yes he still looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As for Kristen “ Misery Guts” Stewart, one of the main things  she is renown for is her hatred of her celebrity status. What does one expect when you’re the star of one of the biggest franchises of the decade and you’re young and single? The world will ignore you? Actually I wonder what would happen if it did? She’d probably change her tune.
As for the Taylor Lautner fella, I like him , he smiled a lot and signed autographs, apparently he still lives at home with Mum and Dad. (and he’s really good at Martial arts)
I have a house littered with Twilight merchandise (I suppose it could be worse it could be Justin Beiber) and with every movie it is thankfully getting less frantic and annoying and since some of the things are becoming passed there use by date I can do something I’ve wanted to do for some time.
Create my own anti Twilight merchandise.
This is my first. I call it the:
How to make parents happy and end the series early Edward”doll or the Deadward.


Originally published in the BBCN August 2010
(c) words & photos Shidot Prod.




Friday, 22 October 2010

The Purple Filth

0 comments
These are  a couple of clips from a Cartoon Network show The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (i think)
The first is the Purple Filth playing as themselves.
You have to love the armpit farter.


The second is some mash up video using some other bands song.
I just like the music.
It's "Into The Darkness" by SPF1000 if your interested made by Artifactconcept


Saturday, 16 October 2010

All I can say is .......

0 comments
All I can say is it's about time.
All this pissing around was getting boring.

LINK



Bits of background

Something fanboys made up 3 years ago.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Cartoon Cat & Mice through History

1 comments
Originally featured at Robert Berry's most excellent RETROCRUSH site.
This version is slightly edited.
I strongly recommend this site to all fans of things 50s thru to 90s counter culture.


The fictional depictions of cat vs. mouse is  a long tradition that spans nearly 100 years. From early comic strips to modern cartoons, there’s something elemental and simple about a cat chasing a mouse around. There’s something about the mouse that we can all identify with. Most of us have a cat of some sort in our life that’s trying to get us, be it an overbearing parent, a school bully, or perhaps the government.
Perhaps the earliest illustrated example of this was the wonderful Krazy Kat, which had an often bizarre storyline of the title character having a crush on the Ignatz Mouse. Krazy’s efforts would typically be thwarted with a brick thrown to the head. This is certainly not a relationship formula that was duplicated again, but it may be the earliest fictional account of struggles between these two species. The strip began in 1913 and was published for over 30 straight years.
But it’s really Tom and Jerry that got the ball rolling on the modern day cat hunting the mouse tradition. Created by the immortal William Hanna and Joseph Barbera in 1940, the duo produced more than 100 short features for MGM in the 18 years that followed. These cartoons set the standard for wonderful cartoon violence that’s still imitated to this day.
I didn’t like Tom and Jerry much as a kid, and though they were kind of boring, but looking back on them now, I can appreciate how beautifully animated they were and complex their relationship was when compared to their copies. Tom and Jerry were sometimes best buddies, and sometimes Jerry was in the wrong, so there at least was some variety to their antics.
Herman and Katnip first appeared together in 1950 and though they were an obvious swipe ofTom and Jerry, they were often more crazy and violent. The theme song was pretty fun, as well. I first watched these as a part of The New Casper Cartoon Show in the late ’70s/early ’80s and saw them in other Harvey Comics, but I didn’t realize that they existed as toons before Harvey bought them in the late ’50s (along with Baby Huey).
Tweety Bird and Sylvester were a bird/cat variant on the theme, and though the duo first appeared together in 1947, they had individual cartoon appearances prior to that. Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote debuted a year later taking the tried and true animal formula and running with it.
In 1958, Tom and Jerry’s creators threw an extra mouse into the mix when they launched the shorts of the awkwardly titled Pixie and Dixie and Mr. Jinks as a backup feature for the Huckleberry Hound cartoon. The episodes were largely forgettable save for Mr. Jinks great catchphrase of “I hate you meeses to pieces!”

Of course, no look at great cat and mouse combos can be done without wrapping it up with the Tom and Jerry on speed tribute The Itchy and Scratchy Show, which was a toon within a toon ofThe Simpsons. With outrageous titles like “Flay Me To The Moon”, “Planet of the Aches”, and “Why Do Fools Fall In Lava?”, the shorts are some of the most insane and gleefully violent variations on the formula to have ever been shown.
There’s something elemental and basic about two animals chasing and/or beating the crap out of each other that transcends the ages. I’m sure some form of cat vs. mouse abuse in media will exist in some form for the next 100 years.

Monday, 20 September 2010

More intresting articles from the magazines found under the lino

0 comments

Mary discovered if she pushed this button food kept coming out. If she pressed the one on the left a small dead animal would appear in the back yard pond.

When Jane’s husband realised she had a “hobby” he kicked down the closet door and threatened to shoot the refrigerator in protest.

Silly Joan thought she was popular at the masquerade party because of her stunning hat not because she forgot her top.

Katherine refused to come down to the party because her new dress clashed with the carpet.

Margaret remembered just in time that she didn’t have clean underwear on in case she was in an accident.

These three ladies demonstrate the latest in pre marital sex accessories: The Gloves.

This young lass just enjoying the whole new exciting world that had opened up to her on the discovery of the “blow job”
*originally posted on redbubble.com Nov 4 2009

Monday, 6 September 2010

Something I found in the kitchen while replacing the lino.

0 comments
The Ladies Home Journal September 1949 edition.
New and exciting kitchen accessories and meals to serve for the latest “Cannibal” craze.

With the onset of the cold war and the threat of mass nuclear annihilation the everyday housewife has turned her thoughts and attention to the possible scenarios that may present themselves if such an event occurs,
Feeding the family is always the most important thing these modern day marvels are contemplating and the latest appliances to do these tasty treats isn’t far behind in personal priority.
With the threat of a nuclear winter blocking out the sun and poisoning the ground, cannibalism has taken a strong hold as firm favourite thus creating this wacky but popular new fad.
A dual freezer and cook top for basement use which can be fired using offal and calcium deposits (bones for you slow learners) If you feel lonely you can keep yourself some company with the glass doors.

Lending a hand in the kitchen takes on a whole new meaning with these new designer serving dishes.

Anyone for chinese?

Next week:
Bleeding apparatus and boning implements
*originally posted on redbubble.com Oct 22 2009

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

More Steampunk Goodmess

0 comments
Steam punk magazine link

Finger stylus

Cool mask

Steam punk cake

Mask

Steam punk guitar

Steam punk Rhino beetle

Stam punk USB

Diesel punk car


Lego model

Steam Punk room
Steam Punkers

Monday, 16 August 2010

Funky Steam Punk Figurines

0 comments
This wonderful figure was created by KidAkira his name is PROFESSOR KURT VON KESSLER is a one-of-a-kind custom 1/6th-scaled figure submitted for the '"Create a Futuristic Space Villain"-contest on OneSixthWarriors with Go Hero. As you can see there is some wonderful detail happening here.



Kidakira is also responsible for this little piece of Steampunkery as well.
All info for this post taken from the TOYSREVIL blog

Monday, 9 August 2010

Unpublished works by the great artists: Quentin Tarantino

0 comments
This is a draft copy of  what Quentin Tarantino offered the Movie Studios for his modern take on Alice In Wonderland . Shortly after Tim Burton did his presentation that would feature Johnny Depp and it went on to make millions.

You can see why Burton's was chosen.

ALICE IN HELL


Alice woke to the acrid smell of burning hair and something else she couldn’t place.
As she rubbed her eyes a small figure ran passed her shrieking in pain, flames had engulfed it’s whole body.
“White Rabbit?” Alice said to herself as the running burning figure ran on for another fifty yards and fell down on the ground writhing all the time continuing it’s soul piercing screams.
“Curiouser and curiouser” mused Alice.
Alice got to her feet and noticed her little bib apron was stained with blood, in her small pocket were some sulfur matches.
She put them back and made a point to remember them for later.
Somehow this wasn’t the Wonderland she had visited before. It was dark and colourless, there was an unnatural smell like when Father had been to the outhouse before her.
Alice walked over to now smoldering lump that she thought was the White Rabbit and as she did the ground she stepped on crackled like broken glass and sticks. When she looked down it was more like broken glass and bones, at least it wasn’t muddy thought Alice.
Something glistened on the dull ground, Alice picked up a large knife.
“May come in handy” she said.
“Careful”
Alice looked around to see where the voice came from, all thoughts of the White Rabbit had vanished now that the screaming had stopped.
“Don’t want to slip and be all hurtful” came the voice again.
Alice turned and in a hollow hidden by a large bush was a large pile of bones next to a tree, within it’s bark body there seemed to be a face that was silently snarling at her.
“Up here my dear”


Alice looked up to see a large cat with three tails grinning down at her.
“A talking cat, how’s that, are surprised because it’s not what you surmised?”
asked the cat.
“No, not really I’ve seen one before, he was the Cheshire cat and looked a lot like you” replied Alice.

“Well I’m not it, you silly little twit,
 that cat’s dead and I’m here instead”

“My you are rude” said Alice “Why are there so many bones?”

“Because of the slaughter, human’s daughter”

“What?”

“Too hard to explain, too much pain,
 now leave us alone to be with our bones”

“Curiouser and curiouser” mused Alice.

“Look , just fuck off will you” yelled the cat.

Alice left the rude cat and silly faced tree to continue down the path of bones and glass and it wasn’t long until she came upon a crop of grey mushrooms. Seeing one of the mushrooms swaying a bit she grabbed the edge and on her tippy toes looked up to see what was there.


Alice quickly dropped down as the most unpleasant smell assaulted her nostrils.
“Pwoo- whee” she said. It was kind of like the outhouse smell but covered up by the most awful perfume.
“Please don’t leave” came a pitiful voice from above. “I’m ever so lonely”
and it trailed off to some miserable sobbing.
Alice took a deep breath and lifted herself up to peek on top of the mushroom.
Sitting there was a large poo spraying it self with a cologne bottle.
The poo was disgusting, all slimy with chucky bits all over it’s body, it had two skinny arms and a face that was one of the saddest Alice had ever seen in her short life.
“Hello” said Alice then ducking down to catch a quick breath.
“Hello dearie, won’t you stay for awhile and chat?” the poo said
“Who are you?” asked Alice quickly, seeing the need to keep the time her mouth was open to be as short as possible.
“I am Lord Effluent, made by the invader of the all the goodness he had in his soul”
“Why the perfume? Asked Alice as she ducked down for another quick gulp of fresh air.
“To hide my terrible stench, the invader was not a good man and his essence of good was nearly non existent, I use this cologne to cover the horrible stink so I can meet and hopefully talk to people as you can see I cannot travel far” explained the poo Lord.
“Sorry, it doesn’t work” said Alice and ran away before the urge to vomit became too strong.

As Alice started to slow down from her run she could here laughter over the cracking and splintering of the glass and bones she trod on, she stopped to get a better listen.
“I know that voice” she said aloud.
Alice followed the hysterical laughing and as she drew closer the dark thick bushes flanking the path open up to reveal an open dale with a large table set for dinner and there in all the mad glory (though their clothes were quite drab) sat the Hatter and March Hare.
“Hello again” announced Alice
The laughing stopped as the two occupants of the table stared at Alice intensely.
“Don’t you remember me? It’s Alice” Alice explained.
“Uhh, no , not really” said the Hatter and burst into fits of laughter.
“You may as well sit down and have a cuppa then” said the March Hare and gestured to a comfy chair at the end of the table.
Alice sat down in the big chair, meanwhile the other two had continued on talking gibberish and giggling between themselves,.
“Are you sure you don’t remember me?”
The two stopped talking looked long and hard at Alice and both said
“ No”
and they continued doing what they were doing.
“Well then, where’s Dormouse?” asked Alice.


The Hatter and Hare separated to reveal Dormouse lying between them.
A stream of blood was now visible running to the edge. Dormouse’s head had been caved to the point where grey matter was running down with the blood..
“My goodness” gasped Alice.
“Yes, we got sick of trying to wake him up “ said the March Hare “ We didn’t realize he was dead until all the stuff started leaking out between his ears”
“He is starting to pong a bit, isn’t he Haee?” said the Hatter
“Certainly is, let’s fix it” replied the Hare


And both Hatter and Hare grabbed Dormouse and stuffed him into a tea pot.
During her time at the table Alice had inadvertently started to play with the knife she had found and had come over with the most powerful urge to do the Hatter and Hare as they had done to poor Dormouse.
“Stop that you horrible beasts, what happened to you” Alice cried.
The Hatter and Hare let the Teapot complete with stuffed Dormouse crash to the ground and pondered Alice’s question.
“Well it was all your fault really” said Hare
“Yes, when you went away last time you left the door open” said Hatter
“You left the door open and we were invaded”
“Invaded by nasty people”
“Who raped the Queen”
“Killed the King”
“Murdered the Army” said the Hare pointing to all the bones.
“How did you not get harmed?” asked Alice
“Simple, we told the invader who the bad ones were and who to watch out for” they both replied.
“So who’s left then?” demanded Alice
The two thought about it for a moment and relied in unison.
“The Hatter, the Hare that some silly cat and some thing that smells something awful.”
“But I thought saw the White Rabbit earlier” said Alice
“Oh I thought you meant who is left now” answered the Hare.
“All the people who lived here, all the people I met on my adventures, all dead?” said Alice her voice rising
“Yep. Pretty much” said the Hatter.
With that Alice grabbed her knife and ran crying from the table.

“Strange girl” said the Hare
“Yes very” replied the Hatter and preceded to kick the teapot around that housed the body of Dormouse.
“Wake up” they both cried and broke out in hysterical laughter.

Alice ran back down the path and as she traveled the bushes and scrub closed in around the path again. The path of bones and glass never seemed to run out, constantly cracking and smashing under her shoes.

After what seemed like a very long time Alice wanted to rest but couldn’t find anywhere to sit down because of the path and thick thorny bushes, she wished she had of taken the chair from the Hatter and Hare.
Alice’s legs were growing very tied.
Then as if by demand the path opened upon another clearing this time free of bones.
Alice noiced someone standing at the other end and instantly recognized either Tweedle dee or dum – she was never really sure which was which- Alice made her way over to where he was standing.
“Hello, hello , they said no one was left”
He didn’t answer, as Alice drew closer she understood why.

The heads of Tweedledee and Tweedledum had been grafted onto one body or so she thought because as she came closer it was more noticeable that both had been cut in half (save their heads) and stitched back together again.
Their blank lifeless eyes staring forward.
Their body had been tied to a tree.


Alice collapsed onto the ground and cried.
Not knowing what to do next Alice headed back to the Mad Hatter and Hare’s table.
Hopefully she could something to eat, but making a note not to eat the cake with any labels.
When she made her way back to the clearing she found the table had been disturbed and instead of Hatter and Hare there was only the Hatter’s head resting on a plate, his body lying in the bones next to the table. Hare was nowhere to be seen.
Alice was angry, there was no food left on the table, so she angrily went and sat in the comfy chair at the end of the table.
“Goodness me what can I do now?” she asked herself.
“Well you could make me a cup of tea”


Alice looked down to see the Hatter’s head still on the plate looking at her waiting for a response.
Alice started to scream.



“Will you please stop her screaming” demanded the Colonel
Alice’s big sister and Nanny were trying to calm Alice down as she lay on the carpet in the middle of her bedroom where they had found here twenty minutes earlier.
The Colonel and his wife were hosting a very important dinner down stars and Alice’s screaming had ruined the whole evening.
It was something one did not do in polite society. People downstairs were starting to leave.
“I have to get down there and stop people leaving, you two fix this problem” and the Colonel stormed out.
“This is your fault” said the Nanny
“How am I responsible “ said Alice’s big sister more than a touch angry.
“You keep taking her down to the pine tree to read and get her out of the house”
“So?”
“The Pine trees where those funny mushrooms grow that you sell to your friends.....”
"Oh!"
".....she came up here looking for some but stuck into your acid instead"
“Oh yeah…..ummmm………quite little one….. quite Alice”


(c)2010 SHIDOT Prod.




Monday, 2 August 2010

THE I AM THE BAND CHALLENGE WINNER - SAD PANDA PART TWO

0 comments
The winning entry of the Red Bubble A.R.S.E Group I AM THE BAND Challenge
Written and designed by the mysterious IWML from Melbourne Australia, the story begins in the 1990s with an interview with the Nihilistic Norwegian Black Metal Band SAD PANDA and its members
Bambucifer, Chaosbear & Ailuropoda Melancholia
They go onto break up and release solo projects only to reform under another guise missing a member.
It's all intrigue, bad manners and rock n roll.
This blog will run the complete saga over the next couple of weeks as part of the prizes awarded for such conceptual brilliance.
IMWL is responsible for all writing, art, animation and music and is a deserving winner.


AFTER SAD PANDA DECIDED TO SPLIT IT KEPT TRUE TO ITS PROMISE AND BECAME THREE DIFFERENT ENTITIES.



Chaosbear became ETERNAL CANDLESHADOW OF THE NEKRODEMONCHALICE (Faces The True Desolation Of Sacrificial Grimskulls In The Moonforest Of The Thronegoat)


The album



Ailuropoda Melancholia became DISAPPOINTED MARMOSET



The album




Bambucifer became BLACKSOIL



The album



ALL SONGS BY ALL THREE BANDS CAN BE HEARD HERE AS WELL AS CLASSIC SAD PANDA SONGS

The things went quiet for awhile until METALVANKER Magazine chased the legends down.

THEN FOLLOWING THIS ISSUE IWML CAME UP WITH SOME DELICIOUS GOSSIP.

"..... this is not the place for such whimsical nostalgia – this the place for ACTION. and the latest ACTION on the SAD PANDA front is a series of strange rumours i’ve heard around the traps lately. the first is something i read in the METAL VANKER MAGAZINE special, something about how ‘the boys might be getting the band back together again’. but this totally contradicts a rumour written in the VERY SAME MAGAZINE, which insisted that Bambucifer would NEVER play with SAD PANDA again. so which is true? clearly ONE of them must be false at very least.


just as bamboozling was the rumour i heard the other day from a friend (an old friend of Gustav Zeugenschnapper’s actually (yes, THE Gustav Zeugenschnapper!) – but now i’m just name-dropping). this particular rumour speculated that Chaosbear had been seen lurking around with infamous Swiss black industrial figurehead, NEKROSVEN (you may know him better as ‘Sven Axel von Perssensensen’, from seminal Swiss black industrial bands ‘Steel Eye Hammer’ and ‘Shadow on The Ice’). so… what’s going on here? beats me. but it could be exciting! imagine, the band back together… with NEKROSVEN producing! maybe he could even convince them to record another song???? i know this kinda stuff doesn’t excite many of you, but i for one, am virtually DROOLING over the possibilities…


anyway. that’s all. i shouldn’t get so excited. i mean, Bambucifer has already stated many times that he’ll never play the bass again, let alone with SAD PANDA. but still… with rumours like these, it’s hard not to hope.


i guess only time will tell…"

THEN AS IF WAITING AN ANNOUNCEMENT THIS APPEARED

for those of you who don’t know NEKROSVEN, here’s a poster from the ‘SHADOW ON THE ICE’ fanboy special from an issue of METAL VANKER from a year or so ago.

OF COURSE THINGS BEGAN TO HEAT UP WHEN BIOGRAPHER IWML RELEASED THIS PRESS RELEASE:

".......in panda-related news… well, i THINK i’m happy – but part of me is worried. turns out the rumours were ALL correct… SAD PANDA is reforming! now, this news would normally have made my HEAD EXPLODE with joy… but it appears Bambucifer WILL NOT be rejoining the band on bass.


apparently, he insists that being in a band is ‘too much of the funnytimes, too much laughy laughs and party party, FUCK that, i will never party again’.


so what i hear now, is that SAD PANDA is recruiting Sven Axel von Perssensensen instead of Bambucifer… and that there will be ‘big changes coming to the band’.


so… what does THAT mean? i don’t want big changes – i just want the SAD PANDA of old to be back together again! big changes… plus the fact that NekroSven has never played a bass in his life, and makes a whole different style of music…


well… i’m kinda hopeful, kinda scared."

WELL IT CAME TO A HEAD SEVERAL DAYS LATER WITH THE RELEASE OF THIS PHOTO AND ARTICLE:


"OH MY LORDY ME… all the pieces of the puzzle come together.


SAD PANDA is not getting back together at all. Ailurpoda Melancholia and Chaosbear are forming a ‘hard-wave darktronika’ band (their description, not mine) which (and i quote) ‘extends the concept of SAD PANDA and confronts the robot machine interface of mortal existence’. whatever that means.


and NOW i understand the inexplicable. PAANDAAR ARE THE NEW SAD PANDA"

THIS IS THEIR FIRST SINGLE  MASTICATORY OBFUSCATION

THE ALBUM ARTWORK OF THE SOON TO BE RELEASED PAANDAAR ALBUM




SAD PANDA BIOGRAPHER IWML HAD THE LAST WORD ON THE WHOLE SAGA WITH THIS REVEALING EPILOGUE IN HIS LAST ARTICLE:

"now. on to more serious topics. as you probably all know, i’m still in shock about this whole ‘sad panda breaking up’ thing, let alone getting used to the idea that they’ve reformed as some terrible not-black-metal-AT-ALL post-gabba cyber-pop neo-industrial ‘darkwave’ band. so i’ve been listening to SAD PANDA’s old catalogue (granted, it’s only one song, but it is a LONG one) – and i think i’ve discovered something. something that could have been the kiss of doom, the cruel harbinger of destiny, the seal on the nail in the coffin of fate for the end of SAD PANDA – and that signals LOUD AND CLEAR that the bass-player, BAMBUCIFER, was already sick and tired of the black metal scene, even back then, when they recorded their one and only song.


this mystical, perplexing, why-didn’t-i-notice-it-before clue is this:


listen to “sad panda (stares into the abyss)” – at about 9 minutes and ten seconds, i SWEAR i can hear Bambucifer playing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. try to block out that atonal shrieking mess of guitars, and just concentrate on the bass part – tell me i’m wrong. it’s either ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ or ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’, but i’m 99% sure he’s playing fucken ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’! which is, i don’t need to tell you, is NOT VERY BLACK METAL.


NOT VERY BLACK METAL


so. it all makes more sense to me now – why he split up the band. why he refuses to rejoin. why he has let it turn into some god-awful ‘commercial’ blackcore disco band, in the hands of someone like NEKROSVEN – because, even back in the legendary early days of SAD PANDA, and on their ONE OFFICIAL RECORDING, Bambucifer really didn’t give a shit about black metal.


and how black metal is that!! AWESOME! i mean, ‘not giving a shit’ is the CORE of TRUE KVLT NEKRO BLACK METAL!!!! throw those horns NOW!


he is my new hero."

PostScript:
SAD PANDA  FAMILY TREE