The Rutles LUNCH

The Rutles are back

A Pre-History
TIME GOES BY, AS WE ALL KNOW
In the nearly 40 years since The Prefab Four - The Rutles - released their final album, "Shabby Road", the world has probably changed.

Men walked on the moon and then gave it up, finding that they could bounce higher and faster on backyard trampolines. The Soviet Bloc toppled like dominoes...except that, with Communism being inherently classless, the dominoes were all unnumbered. The recording industry, always a numbers game, stunningly found itself unable to go truly digital - where only 2 numbers are required.

Never ones to celebrate anniversaries, The Rutles are back because, well, why not?

BETWEEN US
Ron Nasty, after turning his back on the world, thought better of it and turned his front on the world. This decision was widely applauded. He has not been heard from since a sudden attack of performance anxiety.

Dirk McQuickly toured with The Punk Floyd until the early 80s, before turning to a solo career. A short-lived friendship and collaboration with former child star/director Ron Howard soured after Howard bought the rights to all of The Rutles' movies, and in the late 90s Dirk's troubles only worsened following his re-marriage to a headless mannequin.

Conversely, Barry Wom has enjoyed great success as a businessman. He now owns four hair salons, and gives moptop haircuts to fans and customers alike every summer.

Stig O'Hara's stint with Air India brought him around the world, though over time he took fewer flights. A friendship with other airline professionals led to the formation of a new group they called Travelways Buslines. There was already a bus company called Travelways in Canada, however, so they abandoned the effort after only two chartered trips. Stig was forced to take an early retirement in 2001.

LIFE IS THE MEANING OF LOVE
During a layover between flights in 2000, Stig befriended the founder of renowned square dancing troupe Circle of Hay. Over beers in the Concourse bar, they discussed the idea of doing a new show using Rutles music but lost touch after Stig's retirement. With the blessings of Dirk and Barry, who were easily reached, work began on recombining classic Rutle tracks in ways that could support a show and give this semi-legendary band another lunchtime.

They made the Sixties what they are today, and we hope we have helped make them that again.

Better Book Titles

http://betterbooktitles.com is a great fun place to visit if you love a bit of parody.
See if can guess the real titles of these books and then head off to the site and see more hilarious alternatives.

   

   

   

The Chronicles of Jack The Axe

The Fall and Rise of Humpty Dumpty
Part Two

Reanimation time

Humpty’s eyes slowly opened and he realised he was uncomfortable and hungry, very hungry.
“Where am I?” he thought and raised himself on one thin bony elbow.
He was in an alley way, lying on a bed of garbage bags.
He tried his best to remember how he’d gotten here, the last thing he remembered was looking down over the wall to the Market Square - and it had been morning. Judging by the night sky above him now it was late in the evening.
Humpty got tentatively to his feet and straight away hunger pains racked his very being.
Opening his eyes when the pain subsided, he saw his smooth surface was now crazed with a million lines.
“What has happened to me?” he wondered as he was struck down again by the vicious cramping hunger pains.

He had to find food.

Humpty Dumpty stumbled around the alley using the high walls to avoid falling over. This was a natural instinct almost as strong as his need for sustenance.
High above, leaning over a rickety balustrade, the Necromancer watched with interest.
Humpty was confused and his memory virtually shot but his primal instincts were still strong. For the Necromancer this was an important step in the success of his plans.
As he watched Humpty stumble around below, his concentration was broken by loud, high pitched voices coming from the far end of the dimly lit alley.

Gnomes registered the Necromancer.

Perfect.

The Necromancer was invisible to those below but his vantage point gave him a wide angled view of both ends of the alleyway.
The Gnomes, who were drunk - as Gnomes tend to be most nights - were chasing a mongrel dog – they had plans to ride it like a pony. A spiteful pastime that Gnomes seemed to enjoy, but which often meant death for the dog, because the one thing Gnomes had a tendency to do was push things too far, too often.
The scared dog ran past the zombie Humpty and to the Necromancer’s delight Humpty ignored it. The Gnomes meanwhile saw Humpty come out the shadows staggering and came to the ill-informed conclusion he was as drunk as them. Immediately, they changed tack from dog riding to Egg mugging.

From his vantage point above The Necromancer grinned to himself, and almost laughed out loud as the Gnomes – three in number – circled Humpty ready to pounce.
The Gnomes as if prompted by some secret signal jumped as one onto Humpty Dumpty and tried to bring the Egg down. Humpty’s heightened senses went into overdrive as he smelled food and plenty of it, he then proceeded to bite and tear at anything that came within his grasp or reach of his mouth.
In less than a minute there was nothing recognisable of the Gnomes and as if some strange climax to the Necromancer’s experiment the dog returned and stole a piece of ragged leg without The Zombie Humpty reacting at all.
The Necromancer couldn’t contain himself and danced a jig on his balcony whilst clapping his hands.
“I’ve done it!” he cried and made his way down to the alley to collect his new weapon of much devouring.


To be continued.......

Edited by Cathie Tranent, art by Simon Sherry

Early Fiction Part 2

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I'm on Holidays.............

Early published works

GRIPPING YARNS

August 5 1998 Edition Australian Picture Magazine

Early Fiction Part 1

Early published works

GRIPPING YARNS

May 22 2005 Edition Australian Picture Magazine

Unpublished works of the great writers in history Part 1

As the title suggests, lost classics from those you'd never expect it from
The enchanted wood.
by
E. Ned Blyton-Society

“Dash it and a blow it” huffed Jane “That silly book has fallen again”
The big book of Fairies that Jane was reading had slipped from the carrying basket and plopped itself between her and Johns seats.
"Now I’m going to get my knees dirty."
Jane crouched down and rescued her book from under the seat.
John noticed the man opposite bend forward paying Jane’s activity a bit too much attention. Ever since they entered this compartment he had had his hands in his trouser pockets and shaking something in them.
“Um.. Jane get up please. I think our stop is next” he said. “Got it,” Jane exclaimed.
A look of disappointment overcame the man’s features and he went back to playing in his pockets.
It was their first trip alone to Aunt May’s house. Usually, Mother and Daddy came as well but Daddy hadn’t been home for some time now and Mother didn’t wake up until lunchtime these days and never really changed out of her dressing gown.
Though Aunt May was fun and let them do things Mother and Daddy wouldn’t, their favourite reason for their summer holidays was to return to the enchanted wood.

When they arrived at Puffington Station, Aunt May had arranged for a cab to collect them. The cab driver was a scruffy but happy man who asked John to sit in the front seat with him and was kind enough to ask John what he thought of his magazines that he kept in the glove box. There were just picture books of big muscled men. ”How do like those apples son?” the cabby asked.
“Very firm and ripe” John answered not really knowing what the man was talking about. When the children arrived at Aunt Mays the driver said to John if he wanted he could show him a way to save Aunt May the cab fare. John was too excited to be at their destination that he smiled and ran inside.
There to meet them were cousins Dick and Joan. “Oh it is so good to be back again”
But instead of happy talk and hugs, Dick and Joan both wore long faces.
“Oh, Jane and John it so terrible what they have done. We’re so glad you have come”
Said Joan. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?” asked John and Jane together.
“The enchanted wood” began Dick “It’s all gone”
“No” exclaimed both John and Jane. “How?”
“The council has bulldozed the wood and the little people are lost” cried Joan.
“We must go investigate,” said John.

The children ran through the field that ran along the back of Aunt Mays house and jumped the brook. There in front of them where the lush trees and heavy ferns of the enchanted wood once stood was a construction crew building a stadium and huge car park. Together the four of them approached a large man with a hard hat on.
“What have you done to our wood and what of the fairy people” yelled Jane
Two questions were obviously too much for this man because he replied “What?”
“Why is this happening?” cried John.
“Oh, I see” began the large man “The wood and the insects”
“Fairies” Joan corrected.
“Right, well what can I say kids. It takes a lot of money to build a stadium like this and on week ends a lot of mum’s and dad’s wanna see their kids play, so that means a lot of cars. Car parks can’t make themselves not like trees they pop everywhere, did you know I’m growing one in my lounge room?”
“What about our friends the Fairy people?” sobbed Jane
“Oh, yeah. Them. Well, they put up a good fight, with their itchy spells and fart bombs, but when the guys realized that when you squash them they were made of raspberry jam, the battle was over. They took off somewhere else”
“You horrid horrid man” said Dick “Where did they go?”
“Couldn’t give a toss, now piss off, this is a building site and I got a monster turd poking it’s head out and your in the way of a good read on the porta-loo”
The children had no idea what the large man was talking about as he turned and walked away leaving them sad and confused.

As the children walked slowly back to Aunt Mays a voice whispered. ”Pssst Hey!”
The children stopped. “Over here” the voice called. “It’s me”
“Ding” cried the children altogether. A small man with pointy ears, a green vest and a large hat stepped out from behind a shrub.
“You’re alright,” said Joan as she went to hug the fairy.
“But we lost so many.” Ding said as he hung his head and sobbed “Poor poor thing” comforted Jane.

The children and Ding sat in the long grass warming themselves in the summer sun, they waited for Ding to compose himself.
“It was so horrid.” Ding said eventually “But we were badly beaten, but we have regrouped and have made a decision” But the children just looked back at him with blank expressions, he continued anyway. “We will bring forth the bad majik, we have gathered the witches and asked for and paid dearly for their services. We will regain what is ours at any cost” By now Ding was hopping up and down , while Jane and Joan were making daisy chains and Dick was taking a nap. Ding continued
“Beware, my little friends, remove yourselves from the zone only fire, brimstone and gnashing of teeth await those who stay” and with that, he twirled three times quickly and disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I’m hungry.” said Dick “Me too.” said the others and they went back home for dinner.

That night an explosion of devastating ferocity blew half the town of Puffington apart including the new stadium and its surrounds. At first, it was thought to be the work of Al Quida operatives working out of the south of England but this was discounted when no signs of detonation were found and large amounts of Raspberry jam were discovered all over the blast site.

The children spent the rest of their summer holidaying at Brighton.

The Worst Album Covers of all time

The Worst album Covers of all time.

Cautionary note before you read this: This piece only refers to 12 inch vinyl albums and not CD’s, tapes, video or any other media.

Being the worst album cover and worst album tend to be in a separate category, whereas a Metal Head may think the worlds greatest Polka tunes are the epitome of crap and visa versa , both may think the cover of The Velvet Underground and Nico’s Banana cover album stupid.
I could write for days about what I think are stupid, bad and totally inappropriate album covers, but the chances are you have and will never see them because the majority of them belonged to my Father. Who , I believe, bought anything with the word bagpipes, polka or bawdy on it from the bargain bin.
Below is a list of Must See Sites that will take all the hard work out of my hands and allows you to browse at some of the recording industries worst atrocities.
As an example to what I consider a band album cover I don’t point to silly flares or terrible artwork, I choose those that have let the music down. For example the first, second and fourth Led Zeppelin albums. Brilliant music but the album covers are boring and have no information, you may as well stare at the wall than read the album cover. Also the Long Run by The Eagles I consider a crap album cover especially after the spent untold millions recording an ordinary album and then made the cover so bland.
I could go on, but won,t. Try these links below.
A quick note, some are fairly silly and are usually just photos from a period when dressing that way was the norm, so you may have to wade through some of the various sites prejudices or basic lack of humour.

1. Cover Browser Worst Album Covers
Looks like he actually found the original covers, usually a lot of these sites will just cut and paste a top 10 and post it as a filler in a Newspaper Blog. Not bad.

2. Rate Your Music
Some of these you may have to click on the link for them to show. A classic example of someone who just doesn’t get it. No sense of humour here.

3. Jim’s Collection A good selection and some funny comments from an amateur site, (some links are broken but you’ll get over it)

4. The Museum of Bad Album Covers
The best of the lot, this site categorises each album and tries to give them some semblance of order. They are not just placed on the site because they’re misunderstood. Check out his classic radio section, especially the backward messaging tapes.

NOTE: I thought I was being totally original in bringing these sites to others attention until I stumbled across an Old Jack Marx’s article. So credit goes to the great man and he wasn’t even writing about this subject.
Jack Marx