Thursday, 14 July 2011

The Virgin ,the Gypsy , coincidence, Karma, Chaos theory , poor building practices and the Racial bias and corruption of the 19th Century judicial system

A parody of 19th Century romance novels


Part one 
Where things begin….. a short history ……..who’s who

Amanda Upright-Standing had lived a sheltered privileged life but always knew she would never live her own life, she would forever be under the rule of others no matter how comfortable.
Freedom would always elude her.
Amanda’s father Lord William Upright- Standing owned all the land from the coast to the borders of the outer city and by default owned most of the people who lived in the area.
He was a powerful man.

Lord William had big plans for Amanda and since her birth had been on the search for suitable husband prospects to increase his holdings and influence.
Amanda resigned herself to this fact but it didn’t stop her from dreaming.
Lately she had noticed the new Gamekeeper Mr Hitler with his dark eyes , powerful build and dominating presence and found herself thinking of him and constantly seeking out his whereabouts (from afar of course).

Piezo Un’prouncable was a Gypsy by birth who was deeply proud of his heritage. The only reason he chose his current alias- Fritz Hitler –was because prior to seeking the position of Head Gamekeeper with the Upright-Standing estate he overheard how the English rich were so stupid they couldn’t recognize one European accent from another and that German s were currently in favour with the aristocracy since the Royal Family thought it was ok to breed with them then  it was ok to hire them.

This on top of the fact that no one in their right mind would hire a Gypsy .

This was reinforced during his interview with Lord Upright-Standing when the Lord went into an unsolicited diatribe about how Gypsy couldn’t be trusted , that they would steal the pennies off a dead man’s eyes and that putting one in charge of his estate would be akin to opening up the whole area to free game for all their family and friends.

This of course was exactly what Piezo did.

Part Two
 Piezio notices………Amanda is no spy ………. An interlude

Since starting Piezo couldn’t help but notice that the Boss’ daughter had a weird way about her, sure she was alright looking but the way she did it was a bit worrying. At first Piezo thought she was spying for the old man but it didn’t take long to figure out she was infatuated with him.
Amanda was a virgin and sort of understood what that meant and realised it was something she had to give up when her father had found the right man for her to marry. Giving up her virginity was something that women did when they got married and from what she could ascertain was that it was not a very pleasurable thing. This information was assumed by conversations with her mother which always ended with either: “Grin and bear it dear” or “Lie back and think of England my child”

Amada had seen the sheep herders son helping the sheep lose their virginity, he seemed to like it but the ewes showed little to no interest. Oh how she envied men. Not only did women have to cook, clean and give them children they had to be receptacles for their pleasure.

It was so unfair. But on the other hand why did Mr Hitler make her feel the way she does.

It was early Saturday night and Piezo had been drinking in his little Gamekeeper cottage, he often was given free grog by the men who were at that present moment plundering the estate of fish, fowl and deer.

He was halfway to drunk when he caught sight of Amanda spying through the cottage window. He sneaked around the back and surprised her.
“Aye Miss Amanda, may I help you?” Amanda nearly jumped out of her skin.
“Goodness me, I’m sorry Mr Hitler I had no idea you were in” she replied

“Aye, not to worry, come inside this rain is starting to get a bit heavy” with this Piezo led her inside.

OK now we all know what happened next….. well you think you know but the details are a bit sketchy… right? Well it had something to do with lots more liquor, poetry, surprise questions like: “Do you want to see my Benjamin Franklin Doll?” and they got down to doing it.
Much to Amanda’s surprise, it wasn’t half bad.

Part Three 
A butterfly effect ….Dam breakages….up the creek without a paddle

Now, while this was happening the rain got heavier and heavier. On the other side of the Upright-Standing estate was a reservoir,, this reservoir was made to stop spring flooding downstream, the only problem was that the Lord had skimped on the money for decent materials and wagers and the workers who hated the Lord more than he hated them took whatever was half decent for their homes. So in actual fact the dam wall was rubbish and was an accident waiting to happen.

Coincidentally a large African Purple Spotted Swallow Butterfly was separated from its migrating flock and was beating it’s fragile wings furiously to keep warm, this increased wind pressure and scientific theory that would not be understood (and then only by a handful) at this period of time caused disruptions in the atmosphere that proven to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and in a barrage of mixed metaphors led to the dam wall to burst raining destruction on all in its path like a mad dogs breakfast that was scattered from here to wherever…. you get the point.

Meanwhile Peizo and Amanda were at it like two rabbits acting like humans and just as Amanda was climaxing the water burst through the windows of the cottage slamming them off the couch onto the floor. Peizo who was only a couple of seconds behind Amanda hung on for grim death until he had finished then looked for a means of escape.

Grabbing Amanda’s hand Piezo managed to climb out the window and make it safely to roof where they stayed in each other’s arms until they were rescued in the morning.
Unfortunately they were rescued by Lord William who had been out all night first chasing down poachers then after the dam wall collapse worrying about his daughter, he wasn’t a happy man when he found her semi naked and in the arms of what was obviously a Gypsy due to Piezo’s many tattoos that were visible due to his nakedness.
Lord William had Piezo arrested.

Part 4
 the death of Piezo……..the banishment of Amanda……… the end
Piezo was sentenced for rape, theft, fraud , being an undesirable and impersonating a German. The total of these five convictions added to death by hanging an arrangement that was worked out with Lord William and the local Magistrate (who was Lord William’s cousin)
Amanda was sent away to a convent on the basis that she was no longer a virgin therefore useless in the marriage bargaining stakes. Amanda lived the rest of her life in celibacy harbouring unrealistic notions believing that sex would always end in a climax that made the earth shake and dam bursts.
Lord William was pointed out that he also had another daughter to replace his eldest; it was that he never really took much notice because…after all… she was just a girl.
So things carried on as before. What are you going to about it?

1 comment:

CathieT said...

LOL!

I like it.