Monday, 7 December 2009

Unpublished works of the great writers in history Part 2

Sherlock Holmes and the shortest case ever.
by Conan Doylie

Holmes lay prostrate over the newspaper his body racked with after convulsions he was suffering due to his bout of excessive vomiting.
“My God Holmes why do you do this to yourself man?” I begged No reply was henceforth.
“You are one of the greatest minds of the age your body and soul do not need this torture”
Slowly Holmes raised his head and his dark watery eyes fixed upon me. He breathed in deeply and with some noise then began:
“You know very well Watson. Isn’t it you who feeds me these narcotics? You fool no one Watson.
What sort of Doctor would willingly give an addict opium to their hearts content unless they had an ulterior motive?”
“But Holmes I’m only here to help..” I said fairly hurt.
Holmes drew another deep breath.
“And that ulterior motive Watson is to get into my trousers. Isn’t it?”
“But..” I attempted
“Don’t think I worked it from day one poor Watson. I know your marriage is a sham, why else would that lovely creature be at home on a Saturday night alone without her husband? Don’t panic I won’t tell a soul, your loyalty has been more worth than your supply of dangerous opiates. Though…”
He drew and deep breath almost a gasp. “ Even though homosexuality is illegal in these enlightened times, if you were charged and placed in a work house you would probably get more man love inside than on the streets and houses of pleasant society”
With this he plopped his face into a pile of vomit.
I stood silent feeling both shocked and embarrassed and slightly aroused.
“Damn it Watson help me up” Holmes suddenly called waving his arms wildly seeking purchase. “I just remembered I must speak to the Queen about her grandson Albert”
“Holmes you know you can never have audience with her Majesty ever again on fear of her reintroducing transportation again and sending you to Australia” I reminded him.
“What the f..”
Obviously Holmes needed more memory jogging as I cut him off.
“Remember last time Her Majesty gave you the pleasure of her company you told her how difficult it was being so brilliant and it was hard always being within five feet of a fuck wit”
“So?” he said his eyes glassy
“So! You were alone in her chamber at the time. You insulted your Queen”
“Oh…well that’s one problem they’ll have to fix themselves then”
Holmes sat back down and collapsed again on the table.
Holmes squished around a bit more at the table trying to separate the newspaper, his fingers and the contents of his stomach, when in his characteristic style he jumped to his feet in a spastic sort of animation. “ We must go. Now Watson’” he cried.
“What is it Holmes, what did you find in the paper?”
“A hat sale Watson, I need a new one I just vomited all over my other one, let’s make haste”

1 comment:

Adelaide Dupont said...

Audience with the Majesty!