Monday, 20 April 2009

My first encounter with Hunter S Thompson and how he changed my holidays Part 3

This is the true story of how My friend Martin and I spent a holiday in Queensland under the influence of beer, weed, anonymity and Hunter S Thompson.
This should keep my blog full for a couple of months.
My first encounter with Hunter S Thompson and how he changed my holidays Part 3

*Officer Porn Star and our arrival.*

Believe or not we both dozed for most of the morning, come lunchtime we were both feeling a lot better. Martin still had a point to prove, and continued to piss in the bus toilet standing up.
I continued to wait till the next stop because I knew what he’d left in there.

Just out of Brisbane town the bus was pulled over at a road block.

The police were searching for a man in his twenties in relation to a murder that happened on a Gold Coast beach the night before.
I could see a policeman walking around the bus looking underneath for something or someone.

I had to laugh, was their assailant Lizard Man and were they searching to see if he had hidden under the bus by clasping his claws to the under carriage?

It became even more amusing when I saw the policeman’s face and pointed out to Martin that this big tanned cop had an uncanny resemblance to John Holmes the porn star.

This started a flurry of crappy jokes:

“I hope he doesn’t hit us with his trouser truncheon”

“ Hello, Hello, Hello I’m Officer Iva Longprong”

“I hope we don’t see his long schlong of the law”

Then I had a chilling thought.

“Where’ve you hidden the drugs?” I asked Martin

“Don’t worry, they’d have to rip the bus apart to find ‘em” he answered very sure of himself.

Constable Holmes eventually boarded the bus and after a quick exchange with bus driver Ron, (which finished with Ron shaking his head in our direction) Officer Porn Star made a bee line towards our seat. As he passed the elderly passengers their heads followed him and smiles broke out on all their faces.

“Hello boys” said Constable Johnny Wadd

He hadn’t removed his sun glasses and I could see my hair was sticking out all over the place.

“Hi” we both replied

“This is just a routine check and but it’s obvious you’ve pissed off the driver so play along OK”

“Sure” we both said

“I don’t know if you’ve been listening on the radio"
he pointed to Martin’s portable radio
"but there was a murder on the Surfers Paradise foreshore last night and a man fitting your age with blond hair solid build and tan is believed to be in the area”

I grabbed Martin’s radio from the seat flap in front of him

“We had this one until Marty here dropped it before we got on the bus and it doesn’t work, he was going to pull it apart when we got to my sisters”

I started tugging the back of it, but Officer Bulge continued.

“Yeah well , it obviously isn’t you, but that description describes just about every male in the state, behave yourself boys”

“Thanks Mate” I replied still struggling with the radio

“Not good with long bus rides mate?” Policeman Penis asked Marty

“Nah” He said

I turned and looked at Martin he was a weird shade of pale and blotchy red.
The Policemen left and I watched all the disappointed faces as he walked back up the aisle.

“ You fucking dick” Martin hissed snatching the radio from my hands.

“Settle petal, are you OK, seriously? I asked he really didn’t look well.

“I am now numb nuts. Look at this”

Martin pulled me close so I was blocking the view of the seat opposite and with a simple snap the radios back came loose to reveal an ounce bag of grass.

“Oh fuck” was all I could say.

Everyone from down south knew of the reputation the Queensland coppers had, they were a breed of their own and under the Bjelke Peterson Government they were regarded as nothing more than his bully boys.

In the early 80’s Queensland Premier Joh Bjelke Peterson was at his peak in terms of power and as was exposed a decade later: corruption.

Two things we knew for sure about the Queensland police - if three or more people gathered and they looked like hippies they could legally be slapped silly by the constabulary and second they locked you up if you were caught with marijuana for a long time.

That’s why Officer Porn Star was such a surprise. He was nothing of what we expected to encounter. This pleasant surprise and the fact that we weren’t caught with a Queensland death penalty amount of drugs filled us with more delight of being in the sunshine state.

We rolled in Brisbane bus terminus about 4.00PM that afternoon to be greeted by my Sister Linda her husband Rob and my three nieces.

It was great to see big Sis again and Rob was a top guy, the biggest surprise were the girls they had all turned into these little blond, tanned angels. They were now 9, 7 and 4 it had been a good 2 years since they had moved up here. I gave them all a big Uncle hug.

Martin came up behind me and said “Hello”, the two older girls hung onto their Dad for safety, the youngest cried.

We had arrived, I needed a shower, some family catch up and a beer, it was Friday night and everything was all right. Except for the girls they didn’t want to sit in the back with me and especially Martin because we stank.

Welcome to Queensland.

Next Part 4- Weird Wildlife

No comments: